Why One Should Never Ever Go To A Theme Park
by Corvus corone
Summary: A family's visit to a theme park doesn't quite go as planned. Crack!challenge!comedy!fic which involves Otonashi, Persona, Mochu, Tsubasa, Yuu ... the list could go on. Read and enjoy.


_**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gakuen Alice. I'm too tired to be funny here, alright?_

_For ljserpent, my English club buddy. Hope you like it. ^^ I have possibly reached new heights of hyper randomness. Then again, maybe not._

_XXX_

**Why One Should Never Ever Go To A Theme Park**

XXX

"Mummy!! Can I please go on the Super-Duper-Water-Soaker-Mega-Splasher-Giga-Dripper-Slide? Please please please please please?" said a small boy to the woman next to him.

"Of course you can. But remember, don't push in and follow the rest of the queue!" she replied. The boy grinned and ran off - she waved at him once he had reached the back of the queue

All in all, a perfectly normal conversation between a mother and son. Of course, like all things in this world, things weren't really that simple.

"Yura ... you're not _really_ his mother, are you?" said a young man to the "mother".

The woman shook her head. "No, but I do look after him, like I said." She glanced at another man standing near them - a stooped figure, dressed all in black with a mask over his eyes. He made no reaction to these words, but continued to stare after the boy.

"Why?" asked the first speaker, curious. This was the first time he had seen the boy; he had not been with Yura last year. Nor had the masked man. "When did you take him in? Is he a relative or something?"

"I don't know if I should say now," said the woman. She looked at the masked man again, and continued, "Any mention of what happened tends to upset Persona. Maybe we should take a walk, and then I'll explain everything."

Quite soon, the boy returned, happy and soaked through to the skin. "Mummy mummy did you see me? I was at the top of that slide! Can I go again please?"

The woman patted him dry with a towel from her bag, and said, "Of course I saw you; you were so brave to jump right from the top. Mummy's going to let Persona go with you so he can watch from a nearer point of view." She beckoned to the masked man, Persona, and said, "I'm going to talk to Mochu for a bit; can you watch Tsubasa for me?"

As the boy dragged the man over to the Super-Duper-Water-Soaker-Mega-Splasher-Giga-Dripper-Slide, Yura turned to Mochu.

"Okay, a few things. What the hell are you doing with that Persona? And yeah, what's with the kid?" said Mochu. He felt rather lost; he knew nothing about what had happened to Yura since he had last seen her.

"It's a long story ..." she said, obviously thinking about how best to begin. "Do you remember when Persona left Alice Academy?"

Mochu nodded. "Yeah ... ?"

"Well, he went to live in France with his long-lost sister. You know how Tsubasa was - somehow - a good friend of his?"

Yes, that was right. Ever since Tsubasa had officially joined the Dangerous Ability class, things in Alice Academy had changed for the better and Persona and Tsubasa had slowly become, well, friends. It would not have been possible without Persona cheering up and being _happy_ for the first time in his life, and to this day, no-one knew why the change had occurred. Mochu had heard a rumour that it was to do with the aforementioned sister being freed from a French Anti-Alice prison or something, but he wasn't quite sure.

"So," continued Yura, "he went to visit Persona and his sister Personia, and Misaki-senpai, Nobara, a few others and I went with him. Don't ask why," she said before Mochu could ask that. "It was something complicated about needed a Diviner to track down safe routes and the exact relationship status and price of crystal balls which I don't want to go into. So anyway, we were at Personia's house when a Yakuza gang who had been after Persona's whereabouts for the last two months struck, and Persona was forced to use his Alice again. Long story short, he accidentally killed a few people, Tsubasa got hit with a strange potion that made him age backwards and I was in the bathroom so I didn't get hurt."

"Right," said Mochu. It was a lot of information to take in.

"And then," Yura said, glaring at Mochu for interrupting her, "Persona was emotionally traumatised after Personia died from the Death Mark, so I took care of him and Tsubasa for a while. And, you know, things progressed from there onwards."

"Emotionally traumatised? So that's why he's all dark and weird again ... huh, that makes sense."

"Well, you would be too after that sort of thing happened. He didn't even want to come to Personia's funeral because he felt so bad."

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that the little boy - Tsubasa, thought Mochu - and Persona joined them. Dripping wet, of course. Yura sighed and took out the towel, and Mochu looked impatiently on.

"Did you say something 'bout someone's funeral? Per-Person-ya?" asked Tsubasa, looking wide-eyed up at Yura. Mochu shook his head. He just couldn't get used to seeing someone he had looked up to at school as a five year old.

"No, I didn't," said Yura. She looked quickly at Persona as if to make sure he was alright - which he wasn't.

"Uh, Otonashi-san, I think he's crying," said Mochu.

And so he was.

"Oh, crap," said Yura, making Mochu stare at her - because Yura Otonashi never swore or was ever anything but calm and composed (dancing didn't count). "I knew I shouldn't have brought it up ..."

"Don't worry, it was my fault," said Mochu, shrugging. "What're you gonna do about it? Does he do this a lot?"

"It'll be fine, yes ... this does tend to happen whenever he's reminded of what happened," said Yura. She sounded rather distracted, which was understandable as she was attempting to dry Tsubasa and hug Persona and talk to Mochu at the same time. "Persona, dear, it's alright. Look, I'm here, aren't I? And so is Tsusbasa, and my friend Mochu ... no-one's going to hurt you now."

Mochu looked on, feeling slightly awkward. Tsubasa escaped from underneath the towel and ran into him, knocking him off his feet. Well, there was a distraction.

"Shh, it wasn't your fault," Yura was saying quietly to Persona, and then she kissed him. On the lips. With some tongue, by the looks of it.

Wait, did that really happen?

Mochu brushed Tsubasa off him and stood up. He had seen some pretty weird things before, but this had to be one of the weirdest. Even compared to a toddler Tsubasa. "Did you just _kiss_ him?"

"Uh, yes," said Yura, looking sheepish. "I should have told you before."

"Wait, I have got to sit down for a bit," Mochu said, and sat down. Okay, she was an adult and could technically do whatever she liked ... but still. _Persona?!_ Looking after him out of pity was one thing, but ...

"Um, Mochu, could I ask you a favour?" Yura interrupted his thoughts. "I just saw the most wonderful fried chicken stall over there, and I'm really hungry, so ... could you look after these two here while I go and get something to eat?"

"Hnnnughhghuh," said Mochu, still a little in shock. "I mean, yeah sure whatever go eat yeah."

And so Yura was not there when trouble set in. Trouble in the form of a menacing figure flanked by two large bodyguards who stepped in front of Persona, Mochu and Tsubasa while they sat around waiting for her to come back.

"Well, well, well. What's this that we found lying around in the theme park?" drawled the figure. The three looked up, surprised.

"Who're you?" demanded Mochu. He stood up, ready for a confrontation.

"You don't mean to say that you don't recognise me? Mwahaha!" the mysterious figure said.

"Am I supposed to know you or something?" said Mochu, slightly taken off-guard by that mini-menacing-laugh. Hmm, dirty blond hair, brown-ish eyes, weird dress sense ...

"You!" said Persona suddenly. Mochu jumped. So did Tsubasa. Yura, by this time trying to decide whether she wanted gravy or honey with her fried chicken, looked back and gasped at the sight of the strangers.

"What?" said Mochu. "You know this guy? Who is he?"

"Oh, that's just too bad. I can't believe you don't remember me ... does this photo ring any bells, hmm?"

Mochu peered at the small picture in the man's hand. "... Iincho? What's Yuu got to do with this?"

"This is just too funny," said another voice that Mochu didn't recognise. This speaker was female, though, and the amused voice seemed to be coming from behind them ... Mochu slowly turned his head to see a group of three hooded and cloaked figures surrounding them.

Meanwhile, Yura was frantically jumping up and down to try and see what was happening. (Luckily all her dance training paid off and she was able to jump high enough to see over the crowd.) She was also waiting for her food to come - as much as she loved Persona, Tsubasa and Mochu, she loved her fried chicken meals more. Probably. Well, they should be alright for a few more minutes ... "Hurry up!" she snapped at the man cooking.

"Don't come any closer!" said Mochu. He looked at Persona. God, that man really _was_ useless; it looked like Mochu would have to handle this himself. "I said, don't come any closer or I'll, I'll -"

"Shut up," said the second unknown voice, the female one. "You can't do anything while _I'm_ here," she continued, taking off her hood.

Persona and Mochu gasped at the sweet loveliness of the face under that hood, Tsubasa said, "This is BORING! I'm so BORED!" and sat down grumpily on the ground, and Yura was too busy paying for her meal to notice anything.

"You do recognise me, don't you?" the recently-unhooded girl said. Tsubasa looked up, scowling, and shook his head - but something clicked in Mochu's brain. He looked closer at the girl. Long brunette hair with a little curl at the ends, round honey-coloured eyes, an innocently pretty face that Mochu had once known well ...

"Mikan?" he said. She smiled and nodded, and motioned for her companions to unhood themselves.

"And here are our friends, Anna and Nonoko. You know them as well, don't you?"

The first stranger - Yuu Tobita, now that Mochu looked closer - laughed. Evilly. And rather loudly, too. "Mwahahahahahaha!!"

Persona shrank back at the sound of that laugh, and the queue for the Super-Duper-Water-Soaker-Mega-Splasher-Giga-Dripper-Slide all turned and stared at Yuu.

"About time, too," growled Yura as she grabbed her Fried-Chicken-Deluxe-With-Gravy-And-Honey-And-Honey-Flavoured-Gravy-With-Extra-Ketchup-And-Gravied-Honey-Sweet-And-Sour-Salsa and ran back to the group, elbowing Mikan and Anna as she forced her way in. "Don't you dare threaten him again!" she shouted at Yuu, sauce from the chicken dripping onto his shoes.

"Ew! Watch that salsa, bitch!" Yuu shouted back. "These were my best Scary Yakuza Boots as well! I was wearing these when I went over to your precious Persona's house, you know!"

Mochu stared. Okay, Yuu was just as weird as he remembered him. Then he looked down because Tsubasa was pulling at his trousers and saying, "Mummy's friend, look, look, I think 'Sona's crying again."

"Aw, does he do that a lot then? I'll bet he does," said Yuu, grinning.

"How much?" said Nonoko, brightening up.

"Um ... my theme park ticket?" said Yuu.

"I'm in," said Mikan.

"I'll raise one Hot-Dog-With-Pickled-Custard-Mustard," said Anna.

"I'm going against with odds 45-23," said one of the bodyguards.

"Okay, I'll go for and split my double ace with Nonoko-chan," said the other bodyguard.

"Cool, then I'm out for thirty-two with added fair stakes and red-black evens with no extra doubles and reverse triple Joker deals," said Nonoko.

"Right, I'm asking thr-"

"SHUT UP!!" screamed Persona. Yura glared round and said, "You heard him!", while at the same time Tsubasa said, "_I_ think Pe'sona cries a lot," to Yuu.

"What is _with_ you people?" said Mochu. All this was making his head hurt. Surely this could _not_ be real life ... and yet nothing this crazy ever happened even in his dreams.

"Aha!" Yuu said, holding up a finger. "Some sense! I always forget to do my Evil Villain Speech, so thanks for reminding me."

Mikan, Anna, Nonoko and the bodyguards all sat down and put on their bored faces. They had heard this speech way too many times.

"Ahem," Yuu continued. "When I was a young boy, I was sent to a special school called Alice Academy. Now, to get into this place you have to be an Alice, which is basically being-"

"We know," said Yura. "We went there too."

"Oh, my bad. I completely forgot, what with Tsubasa-senpai being all ickle and cute again. So as I was saying, I was a very good little boy, and my friends here were all very good little girls. Until one day it struck us; _why_ are we good little children? Why should we not be evil leaders of organised crime mobs? And so my Yakuza family was born. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Mikan started to get up, but was interrupted by Yuu starting up again. "No no no, I haven't finished yet. In fact, I haven't even nearly finished yet. I am so not close to being even almost nearly finished that I am as akin to a Sweet And Sour Salsa sauce blob on my boots as a bluebottle to a ... um ... fried chicken piece. But as I was saying, we silently rebelled against our supposed status as the good, hard-working and honest members of society, and made a name for ourselves on the high-class streets of criminal life. And our first target was none other than your dearly beloved sister, Personia," Yuu said, pointing at Persona who was now sobbing quietly into the towel.

"Don't you talk to my Persona about his sister!" said Yura angrily. "You had no right to do what you did, and you still have no right to talk about it!"

"Yeah, whatever," said Yuu. He shrugged. "Moving on, I must say that we did do a very good job, it being our first ever mission. Nonoko's Anti-Aging Potion worked a charm on Tsubasa here-"

"That's MY name!" said the present-day Tsubasa, giggling.

"Yeah, I know, so shut up. So as I was saying, Nonoko's potions worked wonderfully and Anna's failed cooking recipe that we sneaked into your food was great too. That's why you were stuck on the toilet," Yuu said to Yura in a rather mattter-of-fact manner.

"Why the hell did you want her on the toilet anyway?" said Mochu.

"To be honest, I really can't remember," Yuu replied. "Probably because we didn't want that bad batch of cookies to go to waste. Oh yes, Yura darling, does your cry-baby boyfriend still have his cheese-grater collection?"

"What?" said Yura, taken by surprise.

"Cheese-graters! I remember Persona had quite an extensive collection of them. I believe he had - still has - some kind of fetish?"

"I do not even _want_ to know," muttered Mochu. Tsubasa had fallen asleep on his foot.

"Well, we still have a few," said Yura, thinking to herself. "He gave me the most expensive one for my birthday present, but I can think of a few more that I found around the house ... but still, you have no right, none whatsoever, to be turning up when we're having a family trip and reminding him of the past!"

Yuu made a note on his arm. "Okay, right. Remind me to visit someday to take a record of any new purchases, will you? _Anyway_, the point of us turning up here was to threaten you, Yura, with immediate death should you not comply with our orders. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! What are our orders?" he said to Mikan.

Mikan stood up quickly. "To come with us, dance with me, and predict the outcome of my next mission!" she recited happily. "And if you don't, I'm going to strangle you!" she added, just as happily.

"Don't your powers sort of, you know, prevent Yura from using her Alice for you?" said Mochu.

"Oh bummer," said Nonoko. "I had a great ante-post odds-on mutual pool morning line of pool punted rounder pointspreads with a tricast straight forecast handicapped house drift each-way favourite plus carpeted buy price and closed longshot minus the scored single stake price on that forecast."

"Yeah, same here," said Anna, her face falling. "Are you sure you can't do it, Otonashi-san? Will a very sharp knife to your neck persuade you at all?"

"No," said Yura firmly. "I've given my word to Persona-chan that I won't help your gang in any way, shape, form or Alice." She put her hand comfortingly on Persona's shoulder - still shaking from repressed whimpering sobs - and glowered at the gang around them.

"Oh no, I guess that's too bad then," said Mikan. "Come on, Mr. Gang Leader Tobita, let's go home."

"Hey, wait a moment - I don't think I ever finished my Evil Villain Speech. So _as I was saying_, my philoso-" He was cut off when his two bodyguards grabbed him by an arm each and dragged him away. Mikan, Anna and Nonoko waved goodbye and followed the kicking and screaming Yuu Tobita out of the theme park.

Wow. That really was an anticlimax, thought Mochu. "That really was an anticlimax," he said out loud, kicking Tsubasa off his now numb foot.

"I know," Yura replied. She took a bite of her Fried-Chicken-DWGAHAHFGWEKAGHSASS. "Those guys always turn up and try to murder us every few months, and it's always quite fun to see how Yuu updates his Evil Villain Speech. It's a pity that they did those horrible things to my Persona before and keep making him cry when they're around."

XXX

_A/N: I've always thought that Yuu Tobita had a hidden evil side to him.  
**Challenge prompt:**  
__~Otonashi x Persona  
~Tsubasa is a five year old.  
~Yuu is a Yakuza gang leader.  
~Persona cries AT LEAST twice.  
~Otonashi likes fried chicken... covered in gravy and honey...  
~Involve a trip to a theme park.  
~Persona has a fetish for cheese-graters._


End file.
